And here it is. This day that I've been quietly dreading, way back in the recesses of my consciousness. It's my birthday, I feel quite old, and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.
I'm 35 today, and for some reason it feels like the crest of the hill. I realize that I'll probably feel this way, only moreso, at 40, & I'll probably think that feeling this way over 35 was silly when I look back at it, but this is how I feel right now, so there you go.
It's been a rather odd ride. I haven't been "through it all," by a long shot, but I've been through a lot that I never thought I would go through. Did you do that, too-- have plans for your life that went all wonky, much to your surprise, even though you were there?
I've done things about which I am not proud. I've also done things that leave me with a deep feeling of satisfaction & accomplishment.
I've hurt someone's heart (I've learned that whether it was intentional or not really has no bearing on the situation). I've had my heart hurt as well.
I've made decisions that altered the course of my life that didn't seem like huge decisions at the time they were made. I've had decisions made for me that made me feel small & unimportant, and I took those situations and grew a backbone.
I've tried several new things. At some of them, I failed to a despairing degree. At others, I failed to a hilarious degree. And, at a few, I've excelled.
I've learned how much I enjoy Alone Time, a real epiphany for me. I also found my home-away-from-home, far from my actual home, in a place I'd never heard of let alone ever thought of visiting. Some days I miss Orkney to a startling extent.
I made a family, tried my damndest to hold that family together, and finally let go of the idea of that family for the sake of my boys. In the end, I was the only one clinging to it, & it truly was no longer a family, just a shadow of What Could've Been. Now we've made a new family, which I never thought would happen.
I am blessed to be surrounded by loving family & friends, and I hope that I can be but a fraction of the loving support & kindness that they have all been to me.
Maybe 35 isn't so bad. I've been looking at it as "my life's half-over," an Eeyore-like mood that just isn't like me. Maybe as long as you love on those around you as much as you possibly can, you've done the best possible thing you can do with your existence.
(There. From Eeyore to Pollyanna. Much better.)









